Post Partum Depression- I Rose Above

According to Wikipedia:
"Postpartum depression (PPD), also called postnatal depression, is a form of clinical depression which can affect women, and less frequently men, after childbirth. Studies report prevalence rates among women from 5% to 25%, but methodological differences among the studies make the actual prevalence rate unclear. Postpartum depression occurs in women after they have carried a child, usually in the first few months. It is very serious and should not be ignored or brushed off. Symptoms include sadness, fatigue, insomnia, appetite changes, reduced libido, crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability."

I personally believe that, while the definition and description are completely head-on, the word depression is very understated. I have gone through depression on its own when I began college and my parents were in a nearly fatal motorcycle accident. However, when I began to realize that I was facing a battle with PPD, the "depression" I was feeling was on a whole new level. I began to feel like I was living outside of my body and I could not believe I was saying the things I was or thinking the things I wasn't saying out loud.

The night that I realized I had PPD was probably one of the biggest turning points in my life. Cole had severe colic for weeks at this point and he was about 1.5 months old. He had been crying all evening and refusing the bottle due to reflux. This was on top of thrush, jaundice, lactose allergy, my low milk supply causing me to quit breastfeeding, and several other complications within a short period of time. I couldn't take it anymore, it was to the point where I would start crying when he was crying and I would get tense and even yell at Scott. As this was happening, I knew I wasn't being me and I felt like a living monster. I don't even think that fully describes how awful I felt.

That night, I had to get out, I drove to Wawa and sat in the parking lot crying on the phone to a friend about how I wasn't a good Mom and didn't feel a bond with Cole and that I didn't think he would ever love me. I told my friend that I was meant to be "career-driven" instead of "family-driven", even though deep down I knew this was far from the truth. Scott was back home watching Cole during my breakdown and eventually I mustered up the courage to go back. However, this was my lowest low and I could not function , I went straight to bed and thankfully it was a weekend and Scott could watch and feed Colton overnight.

I slept from 9PM til about noon the next day, which is very unlike me. Then, I laid on the couch and cried, inconsolable crying. Finally, I called my doctor and made an appointment to go in to get help. It was taking every piece of energy to get up to feed/change/cuddle Colton when he needed it, and I knew him and I deserved more than that. I knew I was capable of being an above and beyond mother and that he deserved that. I knew that I loved him more than life itself and because of that, I had to do whatever it took to make myself better so that I could give him what he truly deserves, every piece of me, not because I have to , but because I want to.

I went to the doctor the next day and started the process of healing. After a month, I began to finally feel better and I can not thank my support system enough. My parents, my family, Scott, his family, my friends were all there to help me in any way I needed. My parents helped me take care of Colton while I was focusing on healing myself and Scott's family helped keep me company and babysat when Scott and I needed to get out. Without the support of everyone, I do not think I would have made it through this. Yes, it takes courage to ask for the help, but in the end it was worth it because I feel so much stronger as a mother and because of that, Colton and I's bond is stronger than I ever imagined possible, getting stronger every day.

PPD is so much more common that some people believe and I strongly encourage anyone that even THINKS they are feeling the symptoms to reach out and get help. PPD should not be taken lightly and is nothing to be ashamed of. I wish I had more resources to spread the word and help with anyone in need during their tough time of PPD.